Someone knocks on the door...Amy: <eyes coldy> "Yes?"
Man: "Hi, I'm <insert name>. What's your name?"
Amy: (Is cautious and glaring.) "Amy."
Man: "Nice to meet you, beautiful! I'm trying to earn points for this trip to London and Rome, and if I get enough points, I can--"
At this point, Amy tunes out his entire spiel, focusing instead on the fact that the man is staring at her breasts and talking to them, not to her. He mentions something about drinking, and taking her along with him to Paris, and a scary comment about getting drunk together and dancing on tables. She is still mesmerized by the fact that he is so engrossed in her skimpy tank top, and the even more disturbing fact that she is unarmed and Kara is not home to back her up in case things get bloody. After about three minutes of this, she manages to gather that he's selling magazine subscriptions.
Amy: "Um, excuse me?"
Man: (Realizes that his potential client wasn't paying attention.) "I'm selling subscriptions, and I bet I have some great ones for a gorgeous little thing like you." (Attempts a big toothy quasi-seductive smile.)
We all know that he must be mentally retarded or suicidal to even think of trying such a line on Amy. However, he doesn't know that. He obviously also doesn't realize that Amy is looking back and forth between her desk, on which lies her nice necklace-knife, and to him, where she is concentrating at staring at the area where she could stab him right in the heart.
Amy: "I really don't need--"
Man: "Of course you do! Let's see here, pretty thing like you probably could use what... 'Seventeen'? Or Cosmo, even?"
He again tries for a suggestive look. Amy is repulsed, and wishes that Mr. Nibbles was a real seven-foot-tall raptor that was capable of eating this man in three bites. She wishes, and wishes, and nothing happens. Now she realizes that she must get herself out of this mess, in a decidedly non-violent fashion. After all, stabbing magazine subscription salesmen and then throwing them five stories out of one's window probably isn't very legal.
Amy: "Look, why don't you come back when my roommate is here, and maybe she'll--"
Man: (Oblivious to the fact that Amy hates being interrupted.) "Oh, your roommate? Is she as pretty as you? I bet I could strike up a deal for two girls like you, maybe a discount? I'm taking all orders now in cash, so that I can get my points...
Amy: "I don't have any cash on me."
Man: "Ahh, but hey, darlin', did you know that I get extra points for kisses?" <taps his cheek and winks>
Things are rapidly getting out of hand. This man is currently sitting in Kara's wheely chair, lounging as if he owns the room, still staring at Amy's breasts, and trying for a coy smile and cute look. There is a knife approximately two feet away from Amy's right hand, and three more in a drawer that could be reached in under two seconds. Amy's hands begin to itch. The man somehow senses that perhaps she is not in the mood to buy magazine subscriptions. Unfortunately, he does not act on this survival impulse, and continues to simper. Amy is not amused.
Amy: "Look, if I decide that I need some magazines, I'll call you or something. Do you have a card?"
At this time I'd like to draw your attention to the fact that Amy has not yet killed anyone and is, actually, being polite. The next time you talk to Amy, please compliment her on the level of her control.
Man: (Still hoping for victory.) "No, this is one of my last days and I only need 2,000 points more. Help me out, Miss America, if you'll only--"
Yes. He actually called her Miss America. It is now Amy's turn to interrupt. She does this in a non-violent fashion. Namely, by smiling and speaking quietly.
Amy: "Then I'm sorry, but I don't want any subscriptions at this time. But good luck." <looks toward door>
Man: "Well, babe, if you ever need anything, I'll probably stop by again in case I need more points, but I hope you have a good night and--"
The door shuts, rather loudly, in the man's face. Amy can still hear him talking on the other side. Amy does not care.
Fifteen minutes pass. Amy is nearly about to post this rant when someone knocks at her door. She has the presence of mind to look through the peep-hole first, this time, and notices the man on the other side. Needless to say, Amy does not open the door.
*shudder* Ewwwwwww. Men are so icky.
