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Old Guard / Command School / Out of Character / Late Night Rambling
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[quote][b]Denali (Jul 08, 2001 12:42 a.m.):[/b] We all seem to do this an awful lot. Now it's even a thread! I'm going to go play Marathon. While I'm gone, talk amongst yourselves. I'll even give you a topic: Marathon. Go! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [b]Amy's Marathon Adventures[/b] Amy: <turns game demo on> Hrmle. This doesn't look so hard. After all; it's a [i]Mac[/i] game. [i]Norman responds with scary demo music and flashing pictures of guns and aliens[/i] Amy: Oooooookay. Well, since it has guns, it must be fun! (At this point, Amy is optimistic) [i]More frighteningly *not* frightening demo music erupts[/i] Amy: Enough with the music! On with the blasting of the aliens! [i]Interlude while game loads. Slowly. Very slowly. WHERE ARE MY DAMN GUNS ALREADY?![/i] Amy: Ooooooh. Oooooh oooooh oooooh. I have a machine gun. <drools> [i]Suddenly an alien appears out of nowhere. Amy struggles with keyboard controls[/i] Amy: Shoot! ARGH, SHOOT HIM! WHICH ONE'S THE TRIGGER?! I'M GOING TO DIE! BLAST HIM! [i]Realizes spacebar = big nasty machine gun trigger. Gut-explosion ensues.[/i] Amy: Hot damn Juanita! Take that, bitch! [i]Now there are *four* aliens.[/i] [i]Amy cannot find the forward control.[/i] [i]Amy cannot find the left control.[/i] [i]Amy cannot find the right control.[/i] [i]Quite frankly, Amy knows jack shit nothing about how to work her keyboard.[/i] [i]Amy gives up and just fires until blood spatters everywhere.[/i] Amy: <wild unintelligible curses> !@#$!@#$!@#$@#$!@#$!!!! (Not suitable for impressionable audiences) [i]Five minutes pass. Amy still has no idea how to move anywhere.[/i] Amy: Fine. <harumphs> I'll just wait until the bad guys come to me. <shoot wall randomly> [i]Two minutes pass by. Amy, the Patron Saint of Patience, is a saint no longer.[/i] Amy: WHERE ARE ALL THE FREAKIN' ALIENS?!@#$!@# <more cursing> [i]Oh miracle of miracles! Amy figures out how to move *forward*![/i] Amy: <commences moving forward> <hits the wall> <is STUCK> [i]Armored Rambo-esque hero rams the wall futilely[/i]. Amy: COME ON! Go somewhere! Kill something, damnit, I want to kill something! [i]Random keystrokes and under-the-breathe mumblings can be heard throughout the house.[/i] [i]WHOA! Amy discovers that the 'e' key makes her character's gun tilt up.[/i] [i]Amy also discovers that this knowledge is USELESS. There are no aliens on the ceiling.[/i] Amy: Well, what the-- (Descriptive inappropriate language censored) [i]An alien appears. However, Amy's gun is *still* pointed at the ceiling, and she has as of yet been unable to figure out how to point her gun back in the right direction.[/i] Amy: SHOOT THE MOTHERFUCKER, NOT THE CEILING! AHHHHHHHHH!@$#!@#!$#@ [i]Big hero-man dies in a cacophany of Jap curses and flying blood-spattered insides[/i]. [b]Game Over.[/b] Stay tuned for more exciting 'Amy is an idiot who doesn't know how to play computer games' adventures.[/quote]
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